Episode 34: Year of the Consulship of Persicus and Vitellius

Flipper? You're creepin' me out bro.

Quick and dirty this time kids.  However, the lack of fluff does not indicate a decrease in quality.  This is premium Schlock right here!

Paidion =

Every thing on the internet you should have seen, but were too busy having a life to check out.

Second verse, same as the first.  A whole lot louder and a whole lot worse!

Amazing underwater photography!

Nom nom…..nomicon

If you decide on a career in busking, this is the site for you!

VIA SCOTTISH PEARL =

A Zombie Love Story

If you have a stroke, let a bat bite your butt.

Nocturnusrex =

Further geekify your home in 2 easy steps:  1 & 2

Why not buy a “historical” UFO of your very own?

The happiest place on earth (if you don’t agree you will be starved to death and then shot)!

Hungry, hungry teenagers.

Spectacular FAIL OF THE WEEK!!!

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Filed under Greenwashing, Show Notes, Social Cleansing, That's Fancy, Twenty-Eleven

33+33*33 = Episode 1122

Happy Blueberry Cheesecake Day everyone!  We’ve been gorging ourselves on this glorious confection since very early this morning and will continue to do so until 11:59pm tonight!  It doesn’t matter how sick we get, this cheesecake has got to be eaten ( Notwithstanding any other provision in this agreement to the contrary, no full or partial failure to exercise and no delay in exercising, on the part of a party, any right, remedy, power or privilege permitted hereunder shall operate in any way as a waiver thereof by such party, regardless of the frequency of such failure or delay.)!!  I don’t care how much these shooting pains in my left arm hurt, I’m not going to stop eating this blueber

A Spoonful of Paidion Pie

All tied up

The Labyrinth of Genre

How to be a Retronaut

I’ve been shipping my aerosol cans to Mars

Music you should not steal!

A Slice of Nocturnusrex’ Nectar

Do not make your beaver angry

I cobbled this together out of earwax, a spoon, and the elastic from my underpants.

Is your house zombie-proof?

Minecraft goes mobile

The Murban

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Filed under Global Warming, Greenwashing, Show Notes, That's Fancy, Twenty-Eleven

Episode 32: In which Paidion and Nocturnusrex set out to lance an turgid boil.

Today it is your extraordinary good fortune to have the opportunity to be the first to catch a sneak-peek of our upcoming movie.  Okay, there hasn’t been any actual filming, but here is the script we wrote* for your perusal.  Okay, we aren’t done with the script, this is as far as we’ve gotten, but it is guaranteed to be chock-full of awesome and we’re giving you an exclusive look into the creative genius that is Culture Schlock!!

ARAC ATTACK

FADE IN:

EXT. DESERT – NIGHT

A rabbit hops across the rough terrain.

EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT)  –  NIGHT

Three trucks from Chemical Technologies carry barrels of toxic waste.  They pass a sign:  PROSPERITY, NEVADA, POP 454.

INT. THIRD TRUCK (HIGHWAY, DESERT)  – NIGHT

A sleepy trucker called PIG PEN drives the third truck.

SELF-HELP TAPE (V.O.)

I will be self-assured and confident around women

PIG PEN

“I will be self-assured and confident around women.”

EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT)  –  NIGHT

The rabbit stops at the edge of the road.  The first truck speeds past.  Then the second.  The rabbit crosses the highway in front of the third.

INT.  THIRD TRUCK (HIGHWAY, DESERT)  –  NIGHT

SELF-HELP TAPE (V.O.)

I will not fear the unexpected.

PIG PEN

“I will not fear the unexpected.”

The rabbit appears in the road, frozen by headlights™.

PIG PEN

Ahhhhhhhhhh!”

Pig Pen jams on his brakes and swerves to avoid the bunny.

EXT. HIGHWAY (DESERT)  –  NIGHT

The truck slews crazily. Missing the bunny by a whisker.

INT. THIRD TRUCK (BRIDGE, DESERT)  –  NIGHT

Pig Pen sees a bridge ahead.  If he doesn’t regain control, he will crash.  At the last second, he gets the rig together.

EXT. BRIDGE (DESERT)  – THIRD TRUCK  –  NIGHT

The rim of the a wheel tags the curb.  One of those toxic waste barrels falls out of the back and plunges to the water below.

EXT. DRAINAGE DITCH  –  NIGHT

A biohazard warning label is legible as the barrel slips beneath the surface.  Glowing toxic waste seeps from a gash in its side.  Spreading through the pool like a neon ink.

*Note:  We didn’t actually write this script, just made some minor modifications for entertainment purposes only (please don’t sue us).  Also, bonus points for the first person to leave a comment with the actual title of this film.

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Filed under Austerity, Cyberpunk, Show Notes, That's Fancy, Twenty-Eleven, Twiternship

Tragic News!

Bombs away!

It is my sad duty to inform you all that there will be no Culture Schlock tonight.  Due to a debilitating “illness” Paidion has been unable to leave the bathroom for the last week.  It all started when he took a couple of laxatives to relieve his constipation.  Unfortunately they started working too well so he took a couple of Imodium to combat the effects, but that stopped him up again requiring more laxatives…

So far he’s been unable to find the right dosage of either drug that will balance out his digestive issues which has made him a little depressed.  Thankfully the doctor prescribed him Prozac so even though he can’t get off the john he feels pretty good about it.

Don’t worry too much about him.  He’s been drinking a lot of milk and prune juice so I’m sure he’ll be on the mend in no time!

On an unrelated note:  Nocturnusrex is currently AFK and certainly not responsible for writing potentially embarrassing and untrue information about his partner in crime.  That is all.

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Episode 31: 31 Flavors of Fail

Ladies and jellyspoons: I stand before you to sit behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Next Thursday, which is Good Friday, there’s a Mother’s meeting for fathers only; Please come if you can’t; if you can, stay at home. Admission is free, pay at the door; bring your own seat and sit on the floor. This evening you have the distinct pleasure of sampling some of our newest fail-errific flavors from deep within the freezers of Nox & Paidion where the snozzberries taste like snozzberries! Click and lick anything that looks luscious for your very own free sample. Enjoy!

==========================================================================================

Strawberry Cheesecake [] Obsolete Daiquiri Ice [] Rainbow Sherbet [] Nutty Coconut [] Elf-Ears Jubilee [] Olde Timey Chocolate Mousse Royale [] Gold Medal Ribbon [] Pistachio Undead Almond [] Peanut Butter ’n Chocolate [] Rocky Road [] Community Funded Almond Fudge [] Old Fashioned Butter Pecan [] Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough [] Pseudo-Magic Strawberry [] Pralines ’n Cream [] Chocolate Chip [] Defaced Dollars ’n Cream [] Chocolate [] Mint Chocolate Unreasonable Search Chip [] Vanilla [] Cotton Candy[] Engineering Potion #31 [] Pink Bubblegum [] Euthanasia Raisin [] Creole Cream Cheese [] Black Walnut [] Lemon Busted [] Oregon Blackberry [] Mississippi Mud [] Banana Nut Deathwish [] Fudge Brownie


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Filed under Cyberpunk, Show Notes, That's Fancy, Twenty-Eleven

An Open Letter to Zack Snyder

Dear Mr. Snyder,

Upon hearing that your next movie would be a project that you had written yourself I was immediately ecstatic. I have been a long time fan of your work and consider you a visionary and a true artist of film. As such I had always wondered what it would be like if you were to direct something you had written yourself.

When media began to surface regarding Sucker Punch I obsessed over each glimmer and frame of the footage, especially the full trailer. I have always said that someone could watch your film, at any moment hit the pause button and turn that frame into a full size poster that would look amazing. The Sucker Punch trailer was no exception.

When finally reviews began to pour out I consumed them with equal relish…and that is where something didn’t sit right with me. Something deep in the pit of my stomach tempered my enthusiasm.

To be blunt, it was the inclusion of sexual violence, particularly rape though there is more than just that, that has made it so that I cannot justify seeing this film.

As a writer myself I can understand the usage of this kind of event in a piece of fiction. It makes a definite black and white line on who is the evil, despicable, nonredeemable villain and creates more than an adequate amount of sympathy for both the victim and the actions of the victim when revenge finally comes calling. It creates an amazing amount of psychological tension for the viewer because rape is one of those acts that we as humans find utterly detestable and wrong in all circumstances.

I have sat through two possibly three rape scenes as a result of your films, and I cannot bring myself to do it again. I know too many women who have been raped and/or otherwise sexually assaulted. While I am sure that your intention was to make this a film that makes victims feel empowered, I cannot help but feel that it can do naught else but make them relive the event on some level as they watch.

In your films 300 and Watchmen I understand that the argument could easily be made that those elements were already there when you began the project because they were not your writing. The presence of rape in your current film causes discomfort within at least me because it seems as though you, as a director, are treating rape and sexual assault as a gimmick. These things are not gimmicks. These events destroy peoples lives and the damage also the lives of those who love them. It is not an event that simply goes away.

As such I cannot see this film. As such I cannot recommend your work to others.

Please keep rape and sexual assault out of your new Superman movie.

Regards,

 Paidion 

I agree.  I will also not be seeing this film.  – Nocturnusrex

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Episode 30: 30-Seconds to Mediocrity

Attn: My Dear Paidion & Nocturnusrex,

I am Mr. Steve Martin, I am a US citizen, 48 years Old. I reside here in New

York City. My residential address is as follows. 160 Central Park South,

New York United States and my Tel Number is REDACTED, I am one of those

that took part in the Compensation in Nigeria many years ago and they

refused to pay me, I had paid over $50,000 while in the US, trying to get

my payment all to no avail.

So I decided to travel to WASHINGTON D.C with all my compensation

documents, And I was directed by the ( F B I) Director to contact Mr. David

Later, who his a representative of the ( F B I ) and a member of the

COMPENSATION AWARD COMMITTEE, currently in Nigeria.and I contacted him and

he explained everything to me. He said whoever is contacting us through

emails are fake.

He took me to the paying bank for the claim of my Compensation payment.

Right now I am the most happiest man on earth because I have received my

compensation funds of $15 Million Us Dollars Moreover, Mr. David Later,

showed me the full information of those that are yet to receive their

paymentsand I saw your name as one of the beneficiaries, and your email

address, that is why I decided to email you to stop dealing with those

people, they are not with your fund, they are only making money out of you.

I will advise you to contact Mr. David Later.

You have to contact him directly on this information below.

COMPENSATION AWARD HOUSE
Name : Arcade Fire
Email: schlocking@gmail.com
Telephone Number: REDACTED

You really have to stop dealing with those people that are contacting you

and telling you that your fund is with them, it is not in anyway with them,

they are only taking advantage of you and they will dry you up until you

have nothing.

The only money I paid after I met Mr. David Later was just $390 for the

paper works, take note of that.

Once again stop contacting those people, I will advise you to contact Mr.

David Later so that he can help you to Deliver your fund instead of dealing

with those liars that will be turning you around asking for different kind

of money to complete your transaction.

Thank You and Be Blessed.

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Filed under Austerity, Cyberpunk, Show Notes, Social Cleansing, That's Fancy, Twenty-Eleven